For the past few months, I have just not been myself. I could feel it, but I did know how to stop the feeling of despair. I found myself apologizing for feeling depressed, broken, shattered, and just plain dreadful. I even sent an apology to someone because I have just not been able to even function on a level that I could handle life and all its complexities to fulfill a joy of mine. The response I received really made me rethink all my apologies, “Oh Krystal, you don’t owe an apology to me (or anyone else, for that matter)” and “You are not alone”.
No, I wasn’t suicidal, but marginally functioning with many levels of masks, just in survival mode. Despair filled all mine wakening hours. Losing Dad has been one of the hardest things that I have ever faced. Yes, there are a few that were harder, but that is for a later time. Christmas was one of his favorite holidays and without him it just changed the dynamic for me. He would always start growing his beard out as it become gray just to see if any children would ask him if he was Santa. He loved telling the stories of people that he encountered that would ask if he was in fact Santa. I miss his smile and the way his face would wrinkle, but mostly his laughter. He and I had a way to make each other laugh. We would always say, “It is better to laugh than cry”. There were many times we would laugh when crying was what we really felt like doing. Even though, I have so much to be happy and thankful for in life, there is void of his presence. Depression is real and it is alright, that I am not alright.
We have to start talking about depression and telling people they are not alone. We need to start listening to listen, not listening to respond. We need to start supporting others and making them feel comfortable enough to speak up when they are not alright. Encourage those who do need to seek professional help and caring enough to check on them. See, I am the very person that would tell someone else that should not apologize for having these feelings; as a matter of fact I did just that a few weeks ago, but I did not have that compassion with myself. It took someone else pointing it out to me because I am my worst enemy at times. I felt guilty for not being able to “snap out” of the dark fog, that encompassed my every movement and thought.
Yes, I am feeling better now, but there was a time a few weeks ago that I was not alright. I am so glad I had someone to remind me that, It is alright that I wasn’t alright and I am not alone! If you have feelings of depression, talk to someone. Seek help, forgive yourself and help others when you can. One by one we can reach those including ourselves who need compassion and understanding.